i do not consent….

It’s been a long while since I sat at my computer and wrote the words I feel so deeply in my heart.

Writing… writing was my form of free therapy that has created something I would have never imagined existed within me. Writing helped me grow into who I am today. Writing helped me clear the dust in my throat, it helped me clear the gunk holding me back.

When I started writing here on this blog… I was lost (not an unfamiliar feeling to me), and I needed something to help me find my way back to me. A creative endeavour felt juicy and fun- but I had no idea what it would lead me to, I had no idea the doors it would open for me internally.

Bravely Beautiful – this name… .came to me in a meditation. It was clear and I knew as soon as I heard it this was part of something I was here to create.

Elizabeth Gilbert talks about this in ‘Big Magic’… creatives and artists often get lots of ideas and it’s up to them if they let those ideas in or not. Bravely Beautiful could have been for anyone else- but somewhat like a spirit baby wanting to come to earth… she knocked on my door and I said yes to birth her.

Creation comes with vulnerability and bravery- because it is often bred from the heart.

In some strange way I feel like the past two years of writing almost every Sunday about my feelings, emotions and depths of what I was working through…. somehow all of that prepared me for this wild ride of not only 2020- but now 2021 and I am sure beyond.

My voice.

Writing this scares me and my voice feels shaky. It’s like that feeling of having a lump in your throat when you want to say something but aren’t sure how… whenever that has happened in the past I taught myself it was safe to speak it into the world. I did this through taking action and writing in a space I felt safe to do so *insert bravely beautiful*…. I also collected evidence and data through the responses of others when they would comment on my writing. People were craving truth, they were feeling similar. THEY felt a resonance with what I was saying.

My heart bleeds with the state of the world right now.
My voice shakes because what I feel so deeply, and how I see the world through the eyes that god gave me…
It’s different.

Different is scary.
Different takes bravery.
Different sometimes- hurts me.

You see, I do not consent to the way the world is moving. And I know that by me saying what I want to say… puts me in danger. It puts me in a place of feeling ostracized, not included…. it puts me in a place of being “exiled”. And through this process comes sorrow and grief. With this comes a heart that is truly trying to be brave, trying to be light, trying to be bright- but the weight of the world and what it might think of me… it’s really scary.

I hope if you read this you know my heart’s purest intentions is never to hurt anyone ever. It’s always to help the collective, and to help ultimately change the world. And in order for me to do that, I have to speak… I have to share my truth, I have to be vulnerable. I have to share my different. Different changes the world- staying the same does not.

I do not consent to the way this world is moving.

I do not approve of the separation.
I do not agree with mandates at all.
I do not subscribe to the fear being pumped through the IV drip this world invites into their homes.
I do not believe that what we are being told is truth.

I do believe in love.
I do believe in the power of community.
I do believe in faith.
I do believe in god.
I do believe in the universe.
I do believe in a higher power.
I believe in aliens.
I believe in the power of people.
I believe in leadership that is inclusive to everyone regardless of their beliefs.

I am worried for the generations to come and the trauma that will prevail after this.
I am worried the impacts of face coverings closing down the voices of so many.
I am worried about the unhealthy amount of anxiety and mental health that will breed from this.
I am worried I may not see my family.
I am worried I will have no more choices over my own body.
I am worried I will never see the world in all it’s beauty.
I am worried that all my freedom will be taken from me.

But yet- I am hopeful.

I am hopeful that people will start to see what is really happening.
I am hopeful that people will begin to realize the power of spiritual connectivity and energy.
I am hopeful that my babies will live in a world that is like the one I see in my dreams.
I am hopeful for humanity.

I am grieving.

I am grieving a world that once existed.
I am grieving a life I thought I wanted.
I am grieving all that I use to know.
I am grieving and I am letting go.

My heart is hurting.
But it is also excited for what this new world is bringing.

But I do not consent.

I do not consent to putting something in my body because everyone else seems to think it’s good for me and only morally okay because that is what I have to do to keep the population alive and safe. My body, my soul and intuition are telling me something different. They are saying “Courtney, listen”. The previous times I didn’t listen to my intuition, and everyone I neglect my body, it ends up manifesting in a way that is not good for me- or anyone around me.

My choice is different and because of that I am walking through fire. I am on the frontlines, but not the one that is celebrated. Instead I am being shamed, I am being push aside, people who love me are walking away….. and for that my heart is breaking more than ever before.

So what do I do?

Do I listen to everything I hear so deeply within myself and make a choice that resonates with me? Or do I make a choice just to make others happy? Do I decide to put something in my body that I do not agree with currently?

In my 30 years here on Earth, I have learned that the majority of my life has been spent in fight or flight. I either run from situations that feel comfy or I fight to the nail. I have also learned that because I have lived in survival mode on and off for so long, my way of coping has been to be the Chameleon, Courtney the Chameleon. Someone who can blend in, someone who can make everyone happy. I have a tendency to change my personality based on what is happening around me and who I am with- why? Because that has meant safety. If I just be everything that THEY want me to be, then I am safe. If I do what it is they want me to do- then everything will be okay. If I don’t share what I actually feel, then everything will just be okay.

…. that needs to stop. not just for me- but for everybody.

What I am talking about here goes way deeper than what you are seeing. I am a deep soul and as much as I repeat to myself “why the F cannot I not just be normal and live a mundane life?”…. I didn’t come here for that. Which pains me…. but it’s what I signed up for… being myself has never felt harder.

I do not consent to a world that is trying to make me be someone whom I am not.
I do not consent to a leadership taking away my freedom.
I do not consent to a society that breeds more free than love.

I simply cannot subscribe to this.
Because if I do…. then I hand over my heart and soul… and voice.

I am here to be the light.
I am here to share that care bear light.

I am here to be me.
And I am craving others to just let me be that way and I will do the same.

Sincerely, 30 year old Courtney, living through a pandemic- confused, frustrated and unsure of the future.