This is a blog that I have been wanting to write all year but never fully knew how to write it. Yet here I am, still not knowing the exact words to write, but I know it’s time.
I am someone who is no longer who I was.
I feel this coming on strongly as I get ready to step into this wildly insane next version of me. Someone who’s always been there, all along been deep with just trying to make her way to the surface. She has tried to get there before, but the world wasn’t quite ready for who she always dreamed of being.
Today, today is a different story.
I have been feeling myself change so much through this past year, but even leading up to 2020. I remember my first ever “awakening” when I packed up my life at the first serious rock bottom I ever faced and moved across the world. I learned concepts and ideas about spirituality that I never thought I would ever even know about in my lifetime. But that, that decision to go there changed my entire life.
It was the beginning of my journey home to myself.
It was the beginning of my rebirth.
As I write this I can feel my eyes swell with tears and emotions I tried to hide through the years, secrets I kept from myself and others because of shame I was holding, or how I would be perceived. But there is no more room for that.
I want to fully be me, no matter how it’s seen. I just want to be free.
As the world continues to change and grow – our internal worlds do as well.
I have shifted and changed my internal beliefs on levels that have asked me to let things completely crumble and start again. Thinking back to that girl who allowed guys to walk all over here, brings tears to my eyes- while also makes me realize the insane amount of growth that one person can achieve in such a short amount of time.
This Rebirth is more than human words can explain. But I will try my best to illuminate it through the screen.
I let go of a career I once wanted as my “dream job”. I made it, I did that career and I thought that was it. It wasn’t it, it was a stepping stone for what was next. I no longer felt illuminated there. I felt detached, it not longer fulfilled me with any happiness. I was loosing myself. The tears and the grief of this process has been similar to loosing a long standing relationship. The shame I felt and the misery I put on myself attempting to fit inside that box, a box that wasn’t mine. No longer was I willing to put myself in this place, a place that wasn’t mine.
I let go of wanting to please, more than wanting of actually pleasing. I let go of trying to attempt to make people like me. I let go of allowing others to treat me like someone who would always be around. I grew boundaries, ones that appeared as selfish to some in an act to better protect myself and my energy field.
I suffered through the fight of struggle, of not knowing how to pay the bills that were around the corner. Of putting on a brave face on social media after breaking to my knees and crumbling. I let go of these limiting beliefs keeping me in this pattern that held me captive to a life that wasn’t mine.
I found friendships in places that were hidden in corners of the world that finally felt like a comfort inside.
I let myself fall. I let myself give up. And every single time I got back up again. The vulnerability in that. The wanting to go and never do this again but choosing to continue, choosing the hard road vs the easy pill to swallow. The choice to choose a path that was and is different from the pack.
I chose rebirth over and over again.
So here it is, as cliché as it sounds… the old Courtney is never coming back.
She was brilliant, she was a warrior and learned through messy mishaps- she still exists deep within. But this updated version chooses through a lens she learned all on her own. One where she developed and grew into her own. This new Courtney feels a lot more like home. Like someone I knew I could and would always be. She just needed to trip up and learn a lot on the way.
Perhaps you feel the same, or rather differently.
Welcome to your rebirth. Welcome to a place that means you get to become whoever you want. Welcome to a world that wants you to be all you are right now.
Take off your mask, and be exactly who you are.
This is the rebirth a world, this is the rebirth of you.
You get to tell this story.
Turn the page.
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