the messy middle….

This is the part I dread. The part I hate. The part I always seem to forget about when making plans to dominate my own life and take over the world….. I always forget the transitional place. 

This is the place that feels filled with unknowns and like I’m stretching beyond worlds. 

The place where I fall to the ground more times than not wondering how on earth I’ll be able to get back up. 

Sometimes I get stuck here. With my face buried in my hands on repeat, for what feels like days. 

The messy middle is the place where everything feels shaky, wobbly and like I’m lost in the midst of my own growth and rapid change. 

We are all in the messy middle. 

2020 has shaken us, moved us outside of our comfort zone, forcing us to change and rapidly. 

I share this blog as a way to bring awareness to what’s in between. Because I know that I personally am craving the realness of what’s happening behind the scenes. 

After many conversations with different types of humans in my inner circle, online world, and the interviews I binge on YouTube… I’ve noticed a theme emerging. A theme in which people are too craving the realness of the in between. 

Maybe this is because it makes us feel less alone, or maybe it’s to bring awareness of what it takes to loosen the grip and have the courage to leave the shore. Regardless- the messy middle is uncomfortable and we’re all here rowing what feels like our own boats. 

We want to know we’re here in this together, that we aren’t alone. And the more I see people showing the fancy sides of happiness blasted on the internet, the more I wonder…. how did they get there? When is it my turn to feel that way too? 

Yes- I am aware that’s victim mode. I tend to slide into that phase when I’m at the end of my Hope. I tend to become jealous, envious and angry at people who are there. Where I want to be. Where it looks “easy”. 

But then someone slides into my DM’s and says, “wow court you’re killing it.” 

It’s in those moments where I am hit with a reminder that’s Instagram shouldn’t just be a highlight reel. Maybe it can be just straight up real. 

The messy middle is the growth point. It’s uncomfortable. It feels like a bundle of darkness and shame dancing around untamed. It feels icky, it feels unknown. It feels like a good time to want to run, hide and let it all go. The messy middle is the darkest before the dawn. The final test to see how much you want what you’re asking for. Will you fold? 

We run from this phase, we numb out. We do whatever it takes to not feel the Nuisance of what this brings about. I as well do this too. I use to do it with alcohol, partying, working out, food (still kinda do), and now working on my goals. I’ve been running from this messy middle for a long time. We all have. Until we can’t anymore. Until we are brought to our knees and are forced to explore. 

I always think to myself, “Why isn’t that person in the mess? How the heck did they escape this?” 

Maybe they have chosen to stay in the comfort zone, maybe they aren’t consciously choosing the growth. OR, maybe they aren’t showing the mess in between. The uncomfortable uncertainty of what their life has to say. 

This part is the part that pushes us to our core. That encourages us to grow past places we’ve ever been before. And honestly it sucks. It’s really hard work. But this is the part that helps us become more and more of who we are at our core. 

This is why 2020 has been hard.

Being forced to change. To slow down. To reframe. To sit with emotions you’ve never been able to name. It’s a lot of deep inner emotional work. 

This messy middle is the mud. It’s the dark part. 

But as we know many beautiful things grow in the dark. Butterflies, humans and hey- even our earth. Every seed is planted in dark soil in the ground. Bears hide in spots they cannot be found. Caterpillars cocoon into small spaces until it’s time. Finally time to emerge as a beautiful butterfly.

A reminder that yes- this messy middle is uncomfortable as it sounds. It really truly is. 

It’s hard. It’s challenging. It’s unknown and uncharted territory. But the only way out, is through. 

Running from this space keeps you from where you’re soul wants to be. Running from this places keeps you in cycles you no longer need. 

So choose. Choose your hard. 

Choose where it is you really want to be. 

And maybe we can all learn the lesson to show, to share the darkness and vulnerability. Because this messy middle is a place we all end up being. 

Congratulations you’re growing. 

One thought on “the messy middle….

  1. Yes! The messy middle forces you to succumb to whatever it is you must learn and move through. But pretending it didn’t happen or not acknowledging it makes those in the thick of it feel more alone. Resisting it only makes it messier!


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